With or against? Know your story.

Adam Joncich, Ph. D.

Regardless of what side you are on, what is happening between Israel and Hamas is universally disturbing and will continue to represent a frightening and threatening conflict that looms in our world today.  Perhaps subtly striking about the previous sentence is the assumption that you must fall on one side or the other. The purpose of this post is to describe the potential impacts of losing contact with your internal experience, that is, your own story, when in the presence of loud, consistent and presumptive messages that “make you choose.”  

The idea that a person believes either one thing or another, is on one side or another, and generally exists on one end of a two-ended polar continuum is not new.  There are entire philosophies that espouse that people respond naturally to making decisions between two opposite alternatives. In fact, it does not take long to come up with popular opposites that we are inundated with: good or evil, beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, man or woman, republican or democrat, friend or enemy, us or them name just a few dialectics that keep us from experiencing nuance in our perceptions. 

The world is an increasingly complicated, global and multidimensional place and we all have to find our place in it.  The stories that surround us–in the media, in our families, in our cultures and aligning us with our identities can become so prominent as told by others that  we may come to lose contact with what are our thoughts and feelings–our own story.  Indeed in the throes of the current conflict in Israel and Gaza, the responses I have witnessed people everywhere are not only feelings associated with the horrors of what is happening–fear, anger, sadness.  They are feelings of paralysis and confusion about how to have a nuanced and informed, personal stance–and this represents a disconnection from their story.  Disconnection from your own story exacerbates the very normal fear, anger and sadness, with additional depressed mood, anxiety, and a general self-isolation.

I invite you, one and all, to use therapy to protect yourself.  I invite you to allow yourself presence with how you feel and to insulate yourself from depression and anxiety. Use therapy to help you make space to tell your story, especially through a loud and scary time like the one we are in now.  Use therapy to protect stillness that allows you to sift through the fear, anger, sadness and “sidedness” that is endemic to all of the messaging you receive– to  locate your story, your needs, and the actions you need to take to connect, ground and care for yourself.

Therapy Story: “To others, I am the happy one.”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

“I am the happy one” is what I like to call a dominant story.  I have found that part of the cause of people’s feeling stuck, depressed, high anxiety, and all the symptoms can be associated are the expectations foisted upon us by the roles we end up playing in lives.  Starting even as early as childhood, people embrace the labels that their families often give them: “the happy one,” “the thoughtful one,” “the stubborn one.” These are just a few that end up becoming part of people’s fundamental way of thinking about themselves, and often end up living into their adult relationships.

Living up to family expectations, dominant stories and roles is a delicate balance.  After all, being happy (or thoughtful, or even stubborn) are not only or always negative.  At any given moment, the trick is to check in with yourself and tell the story that is true for you–are you, in this moment, “the happy one?”  Are you even happy?  If this is not the case, then it is vitally important to allow space for that reality to exist, even in the presence of family labels like “I am the happy one.”

This may sound counterintuitive because the message here is to allow yourself to feel your feelings and experience your experiences even when they are negative and don’t fit the dominant stories you tell yourself or you witness others telling of you.  Finding your way through to your actual feelings and the full range of positive, negative, comfortable and uncomfortable experiences that reflect them is hard work, and it is the path to sustained wellness.   Indeed, it is once this authoring of your full story begins to happen consistently, in real time, that I have seen people begin to emerge from depressive episodes and patterns of anxious affect.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: “By this age, I should have accomplished…”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

From the beginning of pre-school, to the end of college, graduate school or beyond, our society dictates to us what we should be doing, when, how, and compared to whom. This source of these dominant stories are varied and include social, corporate, familial and ethnic/cultural spheres. These stories cause anxiety.  

I have found working with people in talk therapy that the strength of beliefs about what a person “should have accomplished” or how one’s life should look is stronger than ever. New generations of people entering adulthood have their social media feeds presenting curated and often idealized examples of how they should be feeling, what they should be doing, and also how they should present it to others (both online and in person). This can be depressing. 

One emerging truth I have deduced, however, is that the expectations that we all hold ourselves to through various spheres of outside influence are almost uniformly experienced uniquely by each person—so the inside of the home with a white picket fence, a dog, and two kids (one common dominant story many aspire to) are actually lived uniquely by each person. Further, it is vitally important and relieving that a person validates and embraces the path that they are on; not only their unique version of that story and the nuances of their living of it, but also to integrate that dominant societal story with the many other local stories of their life that may not fit perfectly.

In therapy, we hope to help people connect to their own experience, their local stories, and to understand their existence independently as well as in interaction with the many societal, familial, cultural, and personal expectations that provide meaning and richness to their lives.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: "I feel so behind compared to other people."

by Libby Hartle-Tyrrell, LMSW

It is common that people start therapy with the belief that they are behind in some area of life. It may be career, relationships, or even in understanding fundamental truths about their identity. So many of us believe that we should have accomplished more than we have at this point and judge ourselves based on others whom we perceive to be further along. 

While it is true that the normative benchmarks we’ve agreed upon as a society can be helpful in guiding us through life (and equally true that rejecting them can be important and thrilling), when we tell ourselves that we are “behind,” it not only implies that there is a single “correct” way to do life, it also disavows what we gain from taking a circuitous path or doing things in our own time. When we privilege accomplishing things on a specific timeline, we may devalue experiences that have allowed us to explore who we are, what matters to us, and what we want out of life. All of the things that add meaning and depth to our choices and lead to accomplishments that are relevant to who we are, as opposed to merely fulfilling inherited expectations. 

There’s a legend about Picasso that he tried to sell a sketch on a napkin for one million francs and when the prospective buyer balked at the price saying it only took him 2 minutes to draw, he replied “My dear, it took me a lifetime to be able to draw this sketch.” This story is a helpful reminder that who we are at any given moment is a product of all of the experiences we’ve had up to that point; all of the detours and setbacks, all of the joy rides that have turned into deadends and what they’ve taught us. It reminds us that these experiences are not wasted, are not things that have taken us away from our path, but can be braided into the multiple pathways that make up our greater story. If we take the time to understand and integrate them, which is often the work of therapy, they can help us live more honestly and authentically.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: “I should be over that by now.”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

In our NYC-paced energy-filled complicated and often lives, we are socialized to “keep pushing forward.” We feel pressure from within and from around ourselves to “not look back” and continue building, growing, and progressing. While this sentiment has value (and is indeed palpable from the moment a person starts pre-school), it also represents a dominant story that can occlude vital parts of our past lived experience that may need continued processing.  

Such an approach becomes relevant in predictable scenarios–for example the loss of a loved one can be more easily experienced as something to move past than something to process. Grieving is difficult indeed. We often make persistent efforts to turn away from difficult emotions involved with processing loss and do so in the name of “being ok,” “putting a brave face on,” or “being strong.”  

Another example is the ending of a romantic relationship–people often put artificial pressure on themselves to “get over” people who have hurt them, or left them confused. In fact “I am so over that” has become a moniker people use to express freedom from thinking about something. Alas, thinking about something, and telling the full story about what has been experienced often provides a better approach to integrating past experience into current functioning.

So when you think to yourself “I should be over that by now,” I would suggest that you consider the fact that it is still on your mind to be an indicator to yourself that it may be time to engage with it, talk it through and tell the story–it will help you in the long run.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: “Sometimes it feels like I can never relax.”

by Tom Giardini, MHC-LP

Relaxation can assume incredibly different forms for each of us. And while we all crave moments to unwind or take our mind off of other pressing responsibilities, it can be challenging to explicitly define what relaxation looks like, even when those rare pockets of free time emerge in our schedules. And while the prescriptive bubble bath, easy chair, or warm cup of tea may pop into our heads when we have a few hours to spare, they don’t necessarily foster the tranquility and presence that can always rejuvenate us. 

Without definition, relaxation has great potential to become another task on the to-do list - a task lacking a clear duration, location, and function. Taking time to identify feelings and activities that cater to our unique experiences of peace can bring us closer to mindfully, and hopefully enjoyably, recharging our batteries. It can also become easier to make time for your distinct flavor of relaxation when its characteristics are concrete.

Therapy provides a venue to piece together the elements of your story and allow for discoveries about what “kicking back” can look like for you.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: “I feel so behind compared to other people.”

by Beverly Liang, LMSW

A variant on “I should have done this by now,” this statement reminds me of Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Behind this statement is the concept that specific life stages are tied to specific accomplishments, and that one cannot progress beyond a certain stage unless a task or milestone has been accomplished.

This has been further complicated by the pandemic, as detailed by New York’s recent article “The Pandemic Skip,” on feeling a sense of grief of what could have been and grappling with where we stand in relation to time in the last four years that have passed. Suddenly everyone else seems to have progressed — at hyperspeed– into their new lives, while we might feel adrift, behind, or not sure of where we want to go.

One’s identities can complicate this further when we hold certain expectations that might be tied to culture, religion, and gender. These expectations can further oppress us when we feel we need to conform to the dominant narratives of others, instead of developing our own stories, and discounting our own experiences. 

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

Therapy Story: "My problems are not as bad as other people’s problems.”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

I often hear people say things like “I hate this job, but I have to remember, a lot of people don’t have a job,” (so I shouldn’t feel this way) or “There are alot of people that have it alot worse than me, so I should stop complaining.” 

The sentiment “My problems are not as bad as others’” is quite common in my work with people and it is a nefarious one.  In any person’s life, it is important that any experience they have is allowed to be exactly what it is; so if you have a bad day, you are able to say to yourself “this was a tough one” and cope with it accordingly.  On the other side of that coin, it is also important to be able to celebrate and validate the positive things that you are a part of and embrace the constructive and productive elements of your life as well.  It becomes especially vexing, thus, when the things that are felt as negative in your life become a vehicle for invalidating the positive experiences as well as being invalidated because they are negative. 

In therapy, we hope to help people tell their story with wholeness and authenticity–this is done by finding the courage to embrace and witness the whole range of and diversity of your stories and the full range of their emotional experience.

[ Read more Therapy Stories ]

4 Questions to Ask Yourself When Looking for a Therapist

Written by Beverly Liang, LMSW
CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

The process of finding a therapist can be bewildering and frustrating, especially if it's a new process for you. When am I going to hear back? Psychopharmacology? Psychoeducation? Psycho-what? What are all these specializations - is that something that applies to me? Here are some things to consider in your search. 

1. Motivation: Why are you seeking help now? 

Everyone has a different answer to this question, and the answer might also impact who you decide to work with. Crises notwithstanding, oftentimes the issues that bring someone to therapy have been happening for a while already. So what made you decide to look for help now (and not another time)? And although there might be more than one issue that is affecting you now, usually there is one specific issue that has some urgency to it. 

2. Compatibility: How do we work together? 

Finding a therapist can be a bit analogous to dating: maybe there is an ideal therapist soulmate for you out there, but in reality there are probably a range of therapists that you can build a strong (working) relationship with. It can take some time to figure out how you feel your work is going, and it’s totally normal and important to talk about things you don’t like. In the first couple sessions it’s important that you feel listened to, that they understand what brought you in, alongside learning more about your life history. 

3. Background: Are there identity or cultural factors that are important to me? 

When looking for a therapist, are there certain experiences or aspects of your identity or life history you would like your therapist to to share in common or have experience with? These can include gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, language, and immigration status, among other identifiers. In relation to life history, are you looking for someone who has experience in working with people who might have similar issues to you? If this is important to you, it is worthwhile to ask what kind of experience they have in working with that particular issue.  

4. Approach and theoretical orientation: How does change happen? 

Therapist profiles often talk about training and theoretical approach. It can be helpful to ask a potential therapist about how they approach working with patients, as well as any overarching beliefs they have about why this approach is effective. This may also give you some clues about whether or not they might be the right fit for the kinds of topics and issues you want to work on in therapy. However, if you find yourself not agreeing, not being interested, or not understanding their explanation, it might be a sign that it’s not the best fit for you. 

As my profile discusses, I believe that therapy allows for a rare space where together we come to listen and to be listened to, and to understand and evolve our stories and language, which are key to how we understand ourselves and the world. You can learn more about my background here— and please reach out if you're interested in working with me!

Therapy in the digital age: Why sharing our stories matters more than ever.

Written by Thomas Giardini, MHC-LP
CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about him]

 
Technology is increasingly present and unavoidable in our lives. As a therapist, I find myself regularly thinking about the impact of technologies—some potential, and some already here—on how we live and engage with one another in an increasingly digital world. For example, it is now common for people to meet with therapists over chat and text lines through providers that primarily rely on textual exchange as the medium for “listening” and intervention. Moving a step further from embodiment, there are a growing number of platforms that allow users to engage in or supplement therapy through automated conversations with artificial intelligence.  

To me, the experience of partnering with a person in talk therapy to listen and explore a person’s life stories is founded in genuineness, acceptance, and empathy. The implications of nonhuman or technologically mediated treatment offer a dizzying array of opportunities and challenges. As you consider whether now may be the right time to begin or perhaps resume therapy, I encourage you to keep in mind three beneficial aspects of exploring your story (whether in person or across virtual space) with a human therapist:

 1. Building patience

Therapy functions in contrast to a world focused on problem-solving and immediate gratification. It encourages us to slow down and take stock of the details that form our personal narratives. Talking to a therapist offers an enduring venue in which to bring understanding to the various complexities of your life, and to generally put words to your journey. By engaging in a weekly protected process, we become accustomed to the benefits of exercising patience toward ourselves and our growth.

2. Embracing presence

A therapist provides a special kind of listening–one that empowers us to discover ourselves in the presence of others. Emerging from a relationship between a listening  therapist and person sharing stories of their life is a safe, positive sense of individual and shared presence. The development of therapeutic rapport provides a social context for transformation and invites us to discover our own patterns of independence and interdependence. When we connect with our therapist, we engage in an opportunity to experiment with how we interact and maintain a sense of curiosity and presence in our  lives.

3. Locating intention

It is often the unplanned moments, the unexpected revelations, and the unrehearsed exchanges that bring us closer to breakthroughs and transformation. In therapy, balancing intentionality and improvisation can guide conversation and challenge our assumptions. When working collaboratively within a therapeutic framework, we remain open to unforeseen insights that may arise and consider how our actions (and reactions) can help propel us closer to our goals.

Your stories are valuable. By sharing them in therapy, it is my hope that each person can find solace, develop understanding, and foster growth.

Your New York Story: Living, Struggling, and Thriving in the Big Apple

Written by Yulgeim Gomez, MHC-LP
CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about him]

If you have lived in or spent significant time in New York City, you have likely come to recognize that it impacts people in different ways. Its sheer size, diversity, culture, popularity, uniqueness and general stimulation brings with it a profound set of influences.  In fact, when I begin therapy with someone, I often look to understand how they uniquely experience the city as a beginning point for our work together. 

 In general living in this city is as difficult as it is rewarding--with all that it offers by way of opportunities and resources, it can feel like it equally takes away with energy and time spent to survive and thrive. Given the unique experience of living in New York City, here are a few tips to navigate and thrive in the Big Apple.

 1. Appreciate the Good

Something I try to practice with my clients is the use of mindfulness, especially when it pertains to the way we live and experience New York. Becoming mindful of our surroundings provides comfort and alleviates some of the stressors that we navigate through in our daily lives. For example, a helpful exercise is using mindfulness to appreciate the wide array of sceneries that New York has to offer (see below!). Additionally, New York offers opportunities, cultural institutions, and different forms of exercise--even if it’s not formal exercise, the simple act of walking can provide significant activity that can bolster individual wellness. 

2. The More the Merrier

Who else could better understand the struggle of a New Yorker than a fellow New Yorker? Having a person or group of people who can offer support and connection during times of need is essential regardless of the circumstances or place of origin. As a clinician, I often come across clients that, above all, are in need of a space where they can be heard and understood. The therapeutic relationship between counselor and client is established on the value of empathy. Living in New York may seem scary and overwhelming, but it is especially beneficial to have someone who can relate to the daily stressors of living in a high-paced, high-demand city like this one.  It can be a social group, family, friends, or a therapist--having your support network is essential in this city. 

3. Embrace Opportunity

One of the greatest benefits to living in New York City is the abundance of opportunities available for those who are willing to seek them. In my experience, clients will sometimes seek therapy in hopes of discovering who they are as a person and there are infinite ways to redefine ourselves in NYC. Insights about one’s identity and self-discovery are not uncommon in the therapeutic process. I work to explore with clients the possibility of self-discovery through experience in the city! In other words, sometimes the best way to start to understand who we are is to experience as much as possible. New York City provides opportunities for self-discovery in its diversity alone. 
 

New York City is complex. It can be both stressful and exciting. If you work to find the good, share it with others, and carefully reflect on your opportunities to define yourself, you may find your experience of the city to be enriched.  I would be happy to be a part of your process to tap into all that NYC has to offer.

Telling your story: Why it’s important now, and how I may help

Written by Catherine Hall, LMSW
CoreStory clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

As a therapist, I am often asked to explain how therapy works. It isn’t always an easy question to answer, considering that each client comes to therapy with different needs, challenges, and strengths. However, while the “active ingredient” of therapy may vary from person to person, there are two important elements that are almost always present in an effective treatment. 

How does therapy work?  Finding connection and telling your stories.

First, the quality of the therapeutic alliance—the relationship between the therapist and the client—is one of the most important factors in a successful course of therapy. One of my fellow CoreStory therapists writes about it beautifully here. Secondly, an essential part of our job as therapists is to help you tell your stories, to understand them, and sometimes, to author new ones.  

The narratives we “write” and the narratives imposed on us have a direct impact on the way we feel, how we function, and how we relate to others. For me, therapy is, in part, a collaborative effort to identify the helpful narratives and reconsider the ones that may be harmful or limiting to clients’ wellbeing.  

Why now and what next? You belong.

In 2020, all of our stories took an unexpected turn. For some, the pause necessitated by the COVID-19 pandemic was an opportunity to slow down and consider new possibilities for moving forward. For others, it was a devastating plot twist steeped in loss, disappointment, and anger. In any case, each of us was forced to write a new chapter as a result of the pandemic and resulting changes in the world. If you’re struggling to make sense of a new story line that has emerged from the crisis, you’re not alone.  

A concern I hear from a lot of folks thinking about starting therapy is that they don’t “belong” there. Their problems are too small, or too big; not deserving of treatment, or too difficult to tackle. In my view, if you think you could benefit from new insight and guidance during a difficult time, you belong in therapy. If life’s curveballs have left you uncertain about how to turn the page, you belong. If you want to make changes, big or small, you belong. If you’re a person with a story, you belong and you should tell it.  I look forward to helping you do so.

Catherine Hall, LMSW is excited to join the talented, warm, and welcoming team of clinicians helping people tell their stories through talk therapy at CoreStory! More information about her is available on our website. To schedule a consultation, please contact our office. 

When It Feels Overwhelming: Do These 3 Simple, Difficult Things

Written by Ranjit Bhagwat Ph.D.
a licensed clinical psychologist and clinical supervisor
[Click here to read more about him]

As a trauma and addiction psychologist, I talk to many people who feel overwhelmed by messy lives, difficult relationships, and inner pain. This is a common feeling, especially in 2021 as we continue to face a global pandemic accompanied by major changes to our ways of being and thinking.

I get overwhelmed by this, too. Therapists are, after all, humans. When I began the journey to becoming a practicing psychologist, I felt flooded with facts to learn for my classes, diagnoses and symptoms to remember, evidence-based treatments to understand, ethical rules, legal obligations. These things still occupy my energy and time as I enter the middle phase of my career. However, experience has taught me that the work of healing does not emanate from my esoteric knowledge of human psychology. In fact, I believe that this crucial work is driven by a few very simple core ideas. These principles are not complicated.  They are simple -- and really hard to do.

Here are three simple, difficult things you can expect to do on your healing journey.

1. Tell your story.

The story – the narrative – is a critical component of the trauma and addiction therapies on which my own practice focuses. How? For example, narratives of addiction and trauma are often unaddressed, unspoken, or unspeakable to the people who’ve lived through them. An unnamed experience has its own power. It can chase and haunt us, animating our decisions without our awareness and profoundly affecting our lives. There are also things we’ve named, then immediately disavowed or forgotten. Recovery can contain such moments of shame and guilt, disavowed but critically important to excavate, aerate, and integrate into the broader tapestry of our life story. And no matter how alive these stories may feel in our minds, the act of speaking or writing them out transforms them, often in surprising and unexpected ways. When we tell our stories, we also learn from them. The act of narrating is also an act of discovery, not just for the listener but for the narrator. Whatever your story is, it’s likely that you need to tell it. And when you tell it, you very well might find something new and necessary for your healing.

2. Remain in the present.

There are volumes upon volumes of books, podcasts, videos, trainings, and articles about the idea of staying in the present. It’s the kind of thing that we, as therapists, need to actively practice as we guide others to it. What’s remarkable to me is that being present isn’t actually complicated. You know how to do it. And you’ve experienced it, somewhere, sometime in your life. However it works for you, the challenge is to make the conscious decision to inhabit your body and your life fully, to experience the moment for all of its pain, joy and anything in between.

3. Act “as if” and your beliefs will follow.

Although it is valuable to understand yourself and your reasons for doing things, insight alone is often not enough. For example, what good is it knowing the reasons I drink alcohol every day if I just can’t stop drinking? We tend to think that our beliefs need to change before we can act differently – that we need to feel better about ourselves first before we can take action and live a better life. I find that the opposite is more often true: feelings and thoughts are the last to change. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves, “What would I do in this situation if I felt the way I want to feel?” The question is a simple and powerful one, even if the answer sometimes is not. When our actions don’t match our beliefs, we may experience something called cognitive dissonance. Classic psychological research on cognitive dissonance suggests that when pressured or compelled to behave in ways that contradict our beliefs, we are likely to adjust those beliefs to accommodate our new behavior. While most of the original scholarship on cognitive dissonance dispalyed the human capacity to justify harmful or unethical behavior to others, we also know that the inverse is true. By changing our behaviors, we can create a healthy cognitive dissonance that challenges unhelpful beliefs like being undeserving of love or unable to take care of ourselves. We can harness this feature of human psychology to better ourselves and live fuller, healthier lives. Often, the challenge of behavior change is simply to believe that we can try – that we are allowed and deserve to feel better.

These three ideas aren’t the only important ones in psychotherapy. They’re also not exclusive to psychotherapy. We all have stories we need to tell. We all need to work on being present. And we all can make changes in our actions that better reflect the ways we want to feel. I suggest to you that these concepts – whatever language you use to describe them – are universal to the journey toward better mental health and healing. I wish you well on that journey.

The Long Road Back: Integrating back into life as the pandemic shifts

Written by Dr. Stephanie Unwin-Kuruneri,
a Psychologist and clinical supervisor in Manhattan, NY
[Click here to read more about her]

It was a long, strange, and scary year

We are quickly approaching the anniversary of COVID 19 in the US and its lasting impact on the American psyche. #themoment is trending. Naturally, a lot of feelings are coming up. Anniversaries are typically a time for reflection, and this is no different. Where were you this time last year?  What were your dreams or plans for 2020? What did you have to give up? A lot? A little? Most of it? All of it?

It has been a full year of seasons, missed graduations, drive by birthdays, canceled trips, Zoom calls and masks. Digesting this reality can feel overwhelming, or even retraumatizing to some. However, it is helpful to mourn what was lost. 

As cases decline, vaccine distribution continues, and the snow begins to melt, the reconstruction of community is on the horizon. While exciting as a return to some form of normality can be, this can be anxiety provoking for many, since we all have our own unique pandemic experience. Some of us have lost loved ones, some have not. Some have escaped sickness and others may still be recovering. Some of us have had a bubble, some have had no one. Maybe you have not been on public transportation or aren’t yet comfortable in stores and still have your groceries delivered. As we attempt to reconnect to each other, to repatriate our lives, it will be helpful to remember that there are myriad stories.

What was your story?

Acknowledging your personal experience over the course of the past year can ease the feelings of anxiety and uncertainty that will surely mark this transition period. What was your story? Perhaps you want to share this with trusted friends or maybe you want to journal it just for yourself. While we think about how to move forward, it is important to consider your personal journey. There was been no blueprint for how to manage life during the pandemic and there isn’t one for how to integrate back into the world. You may want to start slow or dive right in. But it’s important to remember that we are the author of our own stories. Each person has their own threshold for safety and risk. For many of us it has been a balancing act as things have relaxed, restricted, and relaxed again. Exploring and identifying your comfort level with different activities will better help you communicate them to the people in your life (friends, family, your boss).

What did you gain? What did you lose?
Transitioning is important and it starts with you.

As with any transition, there is something to be gained and something that will be lost. This does not mean a net-loss by any means, rather more of a shift from one state of being to another. “What did you gain or lose this past year?” is as valid a question as “What do you anticipate gaining and losing as you move forward?” We may gain more social interaction and connection and yet lose a certain predictability that may have been comforting. There will be a period of adjustment and therefore, we need to give ourselves grace as we adjust.   

It starts with you. As the anniversary approaches, try to check in with yourself and how you are thinking about it. Acknowledging regret, loss, jubilation (you made it a year!) are all valid ways to feel, and not just one, you may feel all of them. It will be this, recognizing the impact that pandemic has had on your well being, that will help you more consciously transition back into the world. Happy anniversary! 

New Blog Series “Not Just Talk: Stories in Therapy and the Impacts of Telling Them”

Written by Adam Joncich, PhD,
owner and clinical director at Corestory Psychology Services.
He is in private practice, supervises, and teaches in Manhattan.
[Click here to read more about him]

Not Just Talk: Stories in Therapy and the Impacts of Telling Them

At Corestory, we hold as most important the fundamental, and animating value of story and storytelling. I see your stories as a living tapestry of what connects you to your past, defines your current experiences, and guides your decisions about how to navigate into your future. You ARE your stories, and when you lose contact with your stories, you lose contact with yourself, and in clinical language, this can lead to symptoms of depression and anxiety.

For talk therapy, I have learned a way of thinking about yourself and living your life that places a premium on telling your stories--not just to others, which is important, but more centrally, identifying and acknowledging your myriad of stories-- to yourself.  

Dominant Stories vs. Your Local Story

When a person loses contact with their stories, it is often because of the impacts of a dominant story.  Similar to a stereotype, a dominant story is an externally defined expectation, way of being, or circumstance. One example of a dominant story common in many families is that an older sibling relative to younger siblings can take on extra responsibilities, demonstrate increased authority, behave more decisively, or "blaze the trail."  This stereotype of an older sibling can cause a person imposing this dominant story upon themselves to feel a sense of obligation to fulfill this role (in the many ways that one may fulfill it).  

One can imagine how pervasive and prevalent dominant stories are--race, religion, gender, age, class, mental health status, sexual orientation, and political affiliation are only a short list of examples of dominant story categories.

Such dominant stories can serve to obscure your sense of your local story.  Your local story is your lived experience--your internal sense of what has happened to you in your life.  Indeed, any one local story is most often at least somewhat recognizably different than a corresponding dominant story.  For example, think about your New York Story.  What does it mean to you to be a New Yorker?  Is that story defined by immigration?  Cultural interests?  Wall Street?  College?  Broadway?  Sports? Food? Politics? Now think about the larger dominant story told about what it means to be a New Yorker (i.e., what are the general beliefs or stereotypes that even you hold about that classification)?  Chances are, the two stories of being a New Yorker are different in demonstrable ways. 

Relegating your local story to appease a perceived dominant story or set of dominant stories is one reason people end up seeking therapy.  Recognizing these differences and protecting your local stories are thus tacit goals of talk therapy with me. Our work together in therapy is to uncover, identify and tell your local stories as completely and as authentically as possible.  We work to sift through complex constellations of dominant story, to recognize your many local stories and help you reconnect to your full self.

Welcome 

The purpose of this writing series is to explore how people’s stories are recognized, used, and fostered in different ways in talk therapy.  Corestory therapists, supervisors, and consultants come from many angles and are informed by different theories, but one thing that animates therapy in general, is that we are here to listen and to help you tell you stories.  The potential impact can only be experienced.

Can Therapy Help Me Deal with Uncertainty?

Written by Stefany Fortin LMSW, CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

Image by Amanda Northrop

2020 in Hindsight: Maybe it doesn’t have to be just a dumpster fire.

One day in mid-March 2020, our lives took an unexpected turn when we were asked to stay home and conduct our usual business in the most unusual way. Our social and professional stories collapsed into a “curve-flattened” version of themselves where some of our senses became over-used (the burn in your eyes after a day of Zoom meetings), while others lost their usual stimulation (remember hugging?). 

What we first thought off as a brief, acute situation, has turned into a chronic, open-ended “new normal” on top of which lies the anticipation of a vaccine, and the unrelenting quest for social justice in our country. Meanwhile, some of us have been expected to maintain our same level of productivity at work, and the burden of childcare has fallen on women, who have been quitting the workforce by thousands to hold their families together (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/09/26/world/covid-women-childcare-equality.html). The mix of anxiety, fear, anger, grief, boredom, and loneliness experienced on a daily basis has made for a confusing experience where being overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the very same time is now a daily experience.

How can therapy help me deal with uncertainty?

Therapy won’t take away uncertainty, but it is likely to help you expand your ability to tell your story amidst uncertainty and better tolerate the complexities of life. In other words, by freeing some space in your schedule to pause and reflect on how this unprecedented time has impacted you, you are also freeing some space within yourself to experience and get better acquainted with your feelings.

Start with identifying, then naming, and eventually weaving together your feelings at any given moment into a coherent set of stories can provide a deep sense of purpose and connection to yourself and others. By welcoming feelings that would otherwise be dismissed or avoided, you get to experience tolerating everyday discomfort and by the same occasion gain confidence in your ability to handle your emotions in whatever shape or form they show up. The time, energy, and space you reclaim by engaging in your stories can then be used to create authentic change, this time on your own terms.

Coping with the COVID-19 Holiday Season

Written by Brooklyn Do LMHC, CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

The holiday season can provoke a range of emotions and stresses but this holiday season can feel especially stressful because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether you choose to gather with family, celebrate with your existing household members, or connect virtually, it is important to begin to cope with the feelings that will arise. Beginning the coping process before we reach the holidays will allow us to identify potential factors that may cause emotional distress and develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage that distress. The benefits of coping ahead of the holiday season include allowing yourself to create realistic expectations and bringing a sense of control during a time of uncertainty.

3 ways to begin to cope-ahead during the holiday season are:

1. Identify How You’re Feeling

   Identifying how you’re feeling about the upcoming holidays may allow you to feel less overwhelmed. There are a range of emotions that people are feeling currently; often we are feeling multiple emotions at once. This makes it more difficult for us to process and understand our feelings. Take some time to explore and sort through your emotions in a way that feels productive to you (i.e. meditation, journaling, talking with a therapist). Once you are able to identify how you are feeling, you are able to begin to cope with those emotions.
   

2. Acknowledge What’s Changing

   Holidays are usually a time when we reflect on what’s changed; this year you may feel a sense of loss. Our lives have all been impacted in varying degrees because of the pandemic. You may feel you have lost your ability to celebrate important events and holidays as you had in the past. Take a moment to acknowledge the changes you’ve experienced this year and the emotions that accompanied that change.
   

3. Identify Healthy Coping Mechanisms

The holiday season can bring on emotional distress, especially during a pandemic. It is important to identify skills and tools that allow you manage that emotional distress.

The points listed above can feel daunting to tackle on your own but you do not have to do it alone. Working with a therapist can allow you to reflect and process how to cope with this holiday season and all the changes you’ve experience this year. However you choose to spend the holiday season, take the time to care for your emotional well-being.

Finding A Therapist

Written by Libby Hartle-Tyrrell, CoreStory’s newest clinician who is currently accepting new clients for remote sessions.

[Click here to read more about her and her approach to therapy, and
here for her Psychology Today profile]

There are so many things to think about when looking for a therapist. Most people have practical questions: do they take my insurance? Is their office convenient to get to (once in-person therapy resumes)? What is their training and approach to therapy? Personal qualities such as the therapist’s racial identity, sexual orientation, or gender identity may also factor into the decision-making process. 

These considerations are all important guides in your search for the right therapist, but the factor that has been shown to have the greatest impact on the success of any therapy is harder to quantify: the quality of the relationship between the client and therapist. This is called the “therapeutic alliance” and it refers to the unique bond that develops between client and therapist that is based in understanding, trust, and mutual investment. Multiple studies [1] have actually confirmed that it is this special relationship, more than any specific therapeutic technique, that determines people’s satisfaction with therapy. 

Given how important this alliance is, how do you find one? 

The humanist psychologist Carl Rogers [2] suggested that three qualities form the foundation of a positive therapeutic relationship:

1. Empathy
2. Authenticity
3. Unconditional positive regard 

When meeting with a new therapist, pay attention to how you feel and consider the following questions: 

• Is the therapist making an attempt to understand you and showing concern, or do you feel judged or dismissed? 

• Are they willing to honestly discuss your questions and concerns? Will they admit if they’ve made a mistake or do they seem guarded and defensive? 

• Do you feel valued and respected as a person, even when you are sharing difficult thoughts and feelings? 

Ultimately, there is no “one size fits all” in therapy, and it is important to find the right fit for you. It may take time, but finding a therapist with whom you can develop a positive bond is the most important step you can take towards your healing and growth.

What is "Pregnancy After Loss?"

Written by Stefany Fortin, CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

I am thrilled to join the team at CoreStory to provide remote therapy as we navigate the uncertainties of COVID-19.

You can find more about who I am, my credentials and my approach to therapy on my Psychology Today profile https://member.psychologytoday.com/us/home) and in my biography on the CoreStory website (https://www.corestoryny.com/staff/#stefany-fortin). 

When offering therapy at CoreStory, I draw on my personal experience as a mother and as a peer counsellor for pregnancy loss and on the decade of practice I had as a clinician in mental health in Canada before becoming a social worker in the U.S. As I join the team at CoreStory, I am also embarking on psychoanalytic training, a journey I think of as a personal and professional endeavor that, among other things, will deepen and widen how I will listen, think and am in this world and in the (Zoom) room.

What Is Pregnancy After Loss?

Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) is any pregnancy that follows a gestational loss (i.e., miscarriage or stillbirth); 50-60% of women who experienced a pregnancy loss become pregnant again within a year following their loss[1]

• A common myth about PAL is that a new pregnancy acts as an antidote to a prior loss; in fact, there tends to be a new wave of grief alongside the news of a pregnancy after a loss[2]

• Individuals who experienced a pregnancy loss are at an increased risk for post-partum psychiatric disorders, namely depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder[3]; maternal mental health is linked with better attachment and overall better health outcomes for infants

How can therapy help?

• The greatest challenge encountered in PAL is to address the fear of another loss and make room for grief and attachment to coexist

• Therapy offers a space where the feelings attached to PAL can be contained, explored, and understood, which can ultimately make PAL a more manageable experience
  
  

“When we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.” -Joan Didion[4]

[1]  Lamb E. H. (2002). The impact of previous perinatal loss on subsequent pregnancy and parenting. The Journal of Perinatal Education, 11(2), 33–40. doi:10.1624/105812402X88696

[2] Markin, R. (2018). “Ghosts” in the womb: A Mentalizing Approach to Understanding and Treating Prenatal Attachment Disturbances During Pregnancies After Loss. Psychotherapy, 55(3), 275-288.

[3] Giannandrea, S. A., Cerulli, C., Anson, E., & Chaudron, L. H. (2013). Increased risk for postpartum psychiatric disorders among women with past pregnancy loss. Journal of Women's Health, 22(9), 760-768.

[4] Didion, J. (2005). The year of magical thinking. Vintage International

Initial Steps Towards Allyship with the Black Lives Matter Movement

Written by Brooklyn Do LMHC, CoreStory Clinician
[Click here to read more about her]

The recent events regarding police brutality and the murders of Black men and women are a painful reminder for Black and African Americans that racial inequality is ingrained in the American justice system. George Floyd is not the first or even the most recent victim of abuse of power and force from the police. It is long overdue for our country to take an introspective look at the implicit and explicit biases that imposes itself on our judgement and decision making as a society.

I am joining CoreStory as a clinician at a painful time in history. It is difficult to feel optimistic and excited about this new role, however I am feeling determined. CoreStory is the safe and nonjudgement environment where I will be able hear and process individual and unique stories. My goal for this role is to hear and understand a person’s experiences, and emotional healing. My privilege in this role and as a mental health professional affords me a seat at certain tables. I must use that seat to advocate for better mental health for Black and African American communities. I propose the following initial steps towards therapeutic allyship with the Black Lives Matter Movement:

1. Self-Reflection: identifying personal privileges and ways we’ve benefitted from a inherently racist society.

2. Challenge Biases: Everyone, even therapists, internalize cultural and racial biases. We must bring these biases to consciousness and challenge how they impact our judgment and decision making.

3. Actively Seek Education: Mental Health professionals must continually seek education on multi-cultural counseling.

4. Listen: A platform must be given to Black and other historically oppression communities to share their experiences and stories. These steps are a brief introduction to a lifelong process to dismantle a system designed to benefit a homogenous subpopulation: White, middle-upper class, Judeo-Christian, heterosexual males.

For a more extensive piece on my thoughts on therapeutic allyship and the BLM movement click here: https://www.corestoryny.com/new-page-2

For more information visit:

- https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Identity-and-Cultural-Dimensions/Black-African-American

- https://borislhensonfoundation.org/covid-19-free-virtual-therapy-support-campaign/