It is common that people start therapy with the belief that they are behind in some area of life. It may be career, relationships, or even in understanding fundamental truths about their identity. So many of us believe that we should have accomplished more than we have at this point and judge ourselves based on others whom we perceive to be further along.
While it is true that the normative benchmarks we’ve agreed upon as a society can be helpful in guiding us through life (and equally true that rejecting them can be important and thrilling), when we tell ourselves that we are “behind,” it not only implies that there is a single “correct” way to do life, it also disavows what we gain from taking a circuitous path or doing things in our own time. When we privilege accomplishing things on a specific timeline, we may devalue experiences that have allowed us to explore who we are, what matters to us, and what we want out of life. All of the things that add meaning and depth to our choices and lead to accomplishments that are relevant to who we are, as opposed to merely fulfilling inherited expectations.
There’s a legend about Picasso that he tried to sell a sketch on a napkin for one million francs and when the prospective buyer balked at the price saying it only took him 2 minutes to draw, he replied “My dear, it took me a lifetime to be able to draw this sketch.” This story is a helpful reminder that who we are at any given moment is a product of all of the experiences we’ve had up to that point; all of the detours and setbacks, all of the joy rides that have turned into deadends and what they’ve taught us. It reminds us that these experiences are not wasted, are not things that have taken us away from our path, but can be braided into the multiple pathways that make up our greater story. If we take the time to understand and integrate them, which is often the work of therapy, they can help us live more honestly and authentically.