Therapy Story: “By this age, I should have accomplished…”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

From the beginning of pre-school, to the end of college, graduate school or beyond, our society dictates to us what we should be doing, when, how, and compared to whom. This source of these dominant stories are varied and include social, corporate, familial and ethnic/cultural spheres. These stories cause anxiety.  

I have found working with people in talk therapy that the strength of beliefs about what a person “should have accomplished” or how one’s life should look is stronger than ever. New generations of people entering adulthood have their social media feeds presenting curated and often idealized examples of how they should be feeling, what they should be doing, and also how they should present it to others (both online and in person). This can be depressing. 

One emerging truth I have deduced, however, is that the expectations that we all hold ourselves to through various spheres of outside influence are almost uniformly experienced uniquely by each person—so the inside of the home with a white picket fence, a dog, and two kids (one common dominant story many aspire to) are actually lived uniquely by each person. Further, it is vitally important and relieving that a person validates and embraces the path that they are on; not only their unique version of that story and the nuances of their living of it, but also to integrate that dominant societal story with the many other local stories of their life that may not fit perfectly.

In therapy, we hope to help people connect to their own experience, their local stories, and to understand their existence independently as well as in interaction with the many societal, familial, cultural, and personal expectations that provide meaning and richness to their lives.

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Therapy Story: “I feel so behind compared to other people.”

by Beverly Liang, LMSW

A variant on “I should have done this by now,” this statement reminds me of Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Behind this statement is the concept that specific life stages are tied to specific accomplishments, and that one cannot progress beyond a certain stage unless a task or milestone has been accomplished.

This has been further complicated by the pandemic, as detailed by New York’s recent article “The Pandemic Skip,” on feeling a sense of grief of what could have been and grappling with where we stand in relation to time in the last four years that have passed. Suddenly everyone else seems to have progressed — at hyperspeed– into their new lives, while we might feel adrift, behind, or not sure of where we want to go.

One’s identities can complicate this further when we hold certain expectations that might be tied to culture, religion, and gender. These expectations can further oppress us when we feel we need to conform to the dominant narratives of others, instead of developing our own stories, and discounting our own experiences. 

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Therapy Story: "My problems are not as bad as other people’s problems.”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

I often hear people say things like “I hate this job, but I have to remember, a lot of people don’t have a job,” (so I shouldn’t feel this way) or “There are alot of people that have it alot worse than me, so I should stop complaining.” 

The sentiment “My problems are not as bad as others’” is quite common in my work with people and it is a nefarious one.  In any person’s life, it is important that any experience they have is allowed to be exactly what it is; so if you have a bad day, you are able to say to yourself “this was a tough one” and cope with it accordingly.  On the other side of that coin, it is also important to be able to celebrate and validate the positive things that you are a part of and embrace the constructive and productive elements of your life as well.  It becomes especially vexing, thus, when the things that are felt as negative in your life become a vehicle for invalidating the positive experiences as well as being invalidated because they are negative. 

In therapy, we hope to help people tell their story with wholeness and authenticity–this is done by finding the courage to embrace and witness the whole range of and diversity of your stories and the full range of their emotional experience.

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