Therapy Story: “By this age, I should have accomplished…”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

From the beginning of pre-school, to the end of college, graduate school or beyond, our society dictates to us what we should be doing, when, how, and compared to whom. This source of these dominant stories are varied and include social, corporate, familial and ethnic/cultural spheres. These stories cause anxiety.  

I have found working with people in talk therapy that the strength of beliefs about what a person “should have accomplished” or how one’s life should look is stronger than ever. New generations of people entering adulthood have their social media feeds presenting curated and often idealized examples of how they should be feeling, what they should be doing, and also how they should present it to others (both online and in person). This can be depressing. 

One emerging truth I have deduced, however, is that the expectations that we all hold ourselves to through various spheres of outside influence are almost uniformly experienced uniquely by each person—so the inside of the home with a white picket fence, a dog, and two kids (one common dominant story many aspire to) are actually lived uniquely by each person. Further, it is vitally important and relieving that a person validates and embraces the path that they are on; not only their unique version of that story and the nuances of their living of it, but also to integrate that dominant societal story with the many other local stories of their life that may not fit perfectly.

In therapy, we hope to help people connect to their own experience, their local stories, and to understand their existence independently as well as in interaction with the many societal, familial, cultural, and personal expectations that provide meaning and richness to their lives.

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Therapy Story: “I should be over that by now.”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

In our NYC-paced energy-filled complicated and often lives, we are socialized to “keep pushing forward.” We feel pressure from within and from around ourselves to “not look back” and continue building, growing, and progressing. While this sentiment has value (and is indeed palpable from the moment a person starts pre-school), it also represents a dominant story that can occlude vital parts of our past lived experience that may need continued processing.  

Such an approach becomes relevant in predictable scenarios–for example the loss of a loved one can be more easily experienced as something to move past than something to process. Grieving is difficult indeed. We often make persistent efforts to turn away from difficult emotions involved with processing loss and do so in the name of “being ok,” “putting a brave face on,” or “being strong.”  

Another example is the ending of a romantic relationship–people often put artificial pressure on themselves to “get over” people who have hurt them, or left them confused. In fact “I am so over that” has become a moniker people use to express freedom from thinking about something. Alas, thinking about something, and telling the full story about what has been experienced often provides a better approach to integrating past experience into current functioning.

So when you think to yourself “I should be over that by now,” I would suggest that you consider the fact that it is still on your mind to be an indicator to yourself that it may be time to engage with it, talk it through and tell the story–it will help you in the long run.

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