Therapy Story: “By this age, I should have accomplished…”

by Adam Joncich, PhD

From the beginning of pre-school, to the end of college, graduate school or beyond, our society dictates to us what we should be doing, when, how, and compared to whom. This source of these dominant stories are varied and include social, corporate, familial and ethnic/cultural spheres. These stories cause anxiety.  

I have found working with people in talk therapy that the strength of beliefs about what a person “should have accomplished” or how one’s life should look is stronger than ever. New generations of people entering adulthood have their social media feeds presenting curated and often idealized examples of how they should be feeling, what they should be doing, and also how they should present it to others (both online and in person). This can be depressing. 

One emerging truth I have deduced, however, is that the expectations that we all hold ourselves to through various spheres of outside influence are almost uniformly experienced uniquely by each person—so the inside of the home with a white picket fence, a dog, and two kids (one common dominant story many aspire to) are actually lived uniquely by each person. Further, it is vitally important and relieving that a person validates and embraces the path that they are on; not only their unique version of that story and the nuances of their living of it, but also to integrate that dominant societal story with the many other local stories of their life that may not fit perfectly.

In therapy, we hope to help people connect to their own experience, their local stories, and to understand their existence independently as well as in interaction with the many societal, familial, cultural, and personal expectations that provide meaning and richness to their lives.

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Therapy Story: "I feel so behind compared to other people."

by Libby Hartle-Tyrrell, LMSW

It is common that people start therapy with the belief that they are behind in some area of life. It may be career, relationships, or even in understanding fundamental truths about their identity. So many of us believe that we should have accomplished more than we have at this point and judge ourselves based on others whom we perceive to be further along. 

While it is true that the normative benchmarks we’ve agreed upon as a society can be helpful in guiding us through life (and equally true that rejecting them can be important and thrilling), when we tell ourselves that we are “behind,” it not only implies that there is a single “correct” way to do life, it also disavows what we gain from taking a circuitous path or doing things in our own time. When we privilege accomplishing things on a specific timeline, we may devalue experiences that have allowed us to explore who we are, what matters to us, and what we want out of life. All of the things that add meaning and depth to our choices and lead to accomplishments that are relevant to who we are, as opposed to merely fulfilling inherited expectations. 

There’s a legend about Picasso that he tried to sell a sketch on a napkin for one million francs and when the prospective buyer balked at the price saying it only took him 2 minutes to draw, he replied “My dear, it took me a lifetime to be able to draw this sketch.” This story is a helpful reminder that who we are at any given moment is a product of all of the experiences we’ve had up to that point; all of the detours and setbacks, all of the joy rides that have turned into deadends and what they’ve taught us. It reminds us that these experiences are not wasted, are not things that have taken us away from our path, but can be braided into the multiple pathways that make up our greater story. If we take the time to understand and integrate them, which is often the work of therapy, they can help us live more honestly and authentically.

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Therapy Story: “I feel so behind compared to other people.”

by Beverly Liang, LMSW

A variant on “I should have done this by now,” this statement reminds me of Theodore Roosevelt’s quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Behind this statement is the concept that specific life stages are tied to specific accomplishments, and that one cannot progress beyond a certain stage unless a task or milestone has been accomplished.

This has been further complicated by the pandemic, as detailed by New York’s recent article “The Pandemic Skip,” on feeling a sense of grief of what could have been and grappling with where we stand in relation to time in the last four years that have passed. Suddenly everyone else seems to have progressed — at hyperspeed– into their new lives, while we might feel adrift, behind, or not sure of where we want to go.

One’s identities can complicate this further when we hold certain expectations that might be tied to culture, religion, and gender. These expectations can further oppress us when we feel we need to conform to the dominant narratives of others, instead of developing our own stories, and discounting our own experiences. 

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